My New Year's Resolution: Recovering the American Promise

 

Many of us grew up in an America steeped in the American Promise. Yes, we were racially discriminatory and gender biased. Yes, we excluded the original Americans who greeted and suffered at the hands of the new arrivals from Europe. Yes, we promoted our America through self-serving and excluding many from the promise. Over the centuries, the American Promise has been battered and torn, but it still exists on the horizon of history as an unfilled promise. The promise has inspired people to work together and improve their lives and those around them. It encouraged people to learn and grow. It encouraged a sense of community and fostered a kinship with folks across the USA. Despite our misusing it, the American Promise was real and had real, positive consequences in our lives.

 

But the American Promise is no longer a widely shared belief. Many have become enamored of a dystopian future rather than the utopian promise of a better future. We prefer cynicism to idealism, claiming the former is more realistic and reasonable. We gather with our tribe in an echo chamber of ideas and aspirations. We struggle to imagine a viable national life. Our tribe may be a political party, an age cohort, a particular faith, or people who share our particular brand of dystopian cynicism. However, the net result is that we are no longer a country centered around an unrealized but powerful American Promise. We have chosen to separate ourselves from our neighbors and pursue our self-interest at the expense of those different from us.

 

In many ways, we live in an America that is in exile from our homeland. We have given up on the American Experiment infused into our national DNA by the women and men of the late 18^th and early 19^th centuries. We have yielded to the baser instincts that nearly ripped our new country apart during the civil warfare of the mid-19^th Century. We have lost sight of the sacrifices of millions of our grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-great-grandparents. We have lost sight that the vast majority of us are the children of immigrants and, instead, have turned our backs on the millions of more recent immigrants who have come to these shores for a better life.

 

We have replaced hope with greed as our defining character. We have replaced honest labor as our primary occupation with a preoccupation with games that rank us by our social status and bank accounts. We have turned our backs on a better future to feed the wants and desires of the present. We are living in exile in our own homeland. We are stealing the promise from our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren.

 

In this blog, I will strive to give voice to the American Promise and offer ideas about how we might recover a living hope for our society and people. I encourage you to consider how you see the American Promise and discover ways to survive the exile. As always, respectful comments and honest disagreement are welcome and encouraged. Engagement and discussion are also encouraged. It took many generations to build the as-yet-unfulfilled American Promise. It is time for our generations (Boomer, GenX, Millennial, and GenZ) to renovate, enhance, and share the promise of the American Experiment. 

 

I suspect it will be a global rather than continental vision. It will likely be grounded in pragmatic rationalism rather than romantic idealism. It will require those under 50 and those over 50. It will likely be multicultural and less focused on any single group. And it will take a generation or two for it to become widely held and accepted. In the meantime, I do not expect easy times or calm discussions. There will be very few Boomers who will see it through. Those 20 and younger will reap the bounty of this new. For the rest of us, we will have to withstand the whirlwind of change and chaos of the in-between time.

 

However, each of us who live in exile has a role in leading us back to the future of the American Promise. I will share some of my ideas in the coming months, and I encourage you to do the same. Together, we can get the conversation going and plant the seeds that will inspire future generations to tend and nurture until the tree begins to bear real fruit. This exile will end, but in the meantime, let us begin the conversations about what the future will hold.

 

Happy New Year!

 

Bob Dees

Love's Response to Toxic People

In a recent email, one of the people I care about referred to themselves as "my toxic" friend. I was taken aback by this. He is conservative, but I care greatly about him and would never consider him toxic. He is referring to a statement I made recently in my blog that said that I need to avoid toxic people for my own well-being. This came out of my spiritual direction training and has been a staple of my spiritual disciplines for many years. But my friend’s comment has given me a reason to reconsider that method of self-care.

Is avoiding toxic people just a shorthand for avoiding people with whom I disagree? Is it a convenient scapegoat for encountering people and ideas that challenge my assumptions? Is it just another socially acceptable - passively aggressive name-calling popularized by certain political leaders in recent years? Does my avoiding toxic people reveal my own toxicity? With my sense of personal integrity at stake, I formulated some questions and searched for answers. First, "What are the characteristics of toxic people?" and "What is love's response to toxic people?" These should give me the foundation to examine my own behavior and gauge my avoidance of toxic people.

 

I used modern technology to sort through this topic. I have AI Chat Bot installed on my MacBook Pro and utilized it to create a baseline of information. All AI responses are in italics. My words are in regular type. There are no footnotes or scientific citations to back up these ideas. Instead, I will rely on my judgment and the arguments' reasonableness. If you are looking for a more scholarly approach, I invite you to look elsewhere. But if you want to weigh your thoughts and motivations, I invite you to read on. These are "food for thought," not the definitive pursuit of absolute truth. With this proviso in mind, I asked my first question, "What are the characteristics of toxic people?"

Who are toxic people?

I asked the chatbot to give me a description of toxic people. This is what it said:

 

“‘Toxic people’ generally refer to individuals who exhibit negative behaviors, attitudes, and habits that can have detrimental effects on others. These behaviors may include constant criticism, manipulation, dishonesty, controlling tendencies, and emotional abuse. Toxic individuals may drain your energy, cause stress, and create a negative environment around them.”

 

Yep, the Bot nailed it! Toxicity is not about their beliefs. I have encountered toxic behaviors and attitudes in progressives and conservatives as well as in fundamentalists and theologically liberal folks. Nor is toxicity about personality types. I have sought to avoid toxic Type As and shrinking violets, introverts and extroverts, party animals, and bookworms. Over the years, I have been very fortunate to count all kinds of people among my closest friends and acquaintances. I never saw a need to avoid them because I was fearful of their toxicity.

 

Instead, the people that I have treated as toxic (or potentially toxic) are well described by the chatbot. These toxic folks shared words and actions that touched my vulnerabilities and led me to act in unloving ways. They hooked my frailties and stoked my fears and resentments. They fostered fear, hate, deceit, and violence against others. Most of all, they baited me into retaliating using the same behaviors. Toxicity is contagious, and I am vulnerable. I suspect we all are! This has undoubtedly been the case throughout our history, both ancient and modern.

Tolerance for Toxic People

I believe that love demands that we tolerate differences among people. Therefore, the next question I asked the chatbot was, "Must we tolerate toxic people?"

 

From AI Chat Bot

“When it comes to dealing with toxic people and maintaining tolerance, it's essential to strike a balance between setting boundaries and practicing empathy. Here are some strategies that can help you navigate relationships with toxic individuals while still promoting a sense of tolerance:

 

1. **Set boundaries:** Establish clear boundaries with toxic people to protect your well-being and mental health. Clearly communicate what behavior is unacceptable to you and enforce consequences if those boundaries are crossed.

 

2. **Practice empathy:** Try to understand the underlying reasons for someone's toxic behavior. Sometimes, toxic behavior can stem from personal struggles, insecurities, or past experiences. By practicing empathy, you may be better equipped to respond with compassion and patience.

 

3. **Maintain self-care practices:** Prioritize self-care activities that promote your mental and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that help you relax, recharge, and manage stress, such as exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time with supportive individuals.

 

4. **Seek support:** Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support when dealing with toxic people. Having a strong support system can provide guidance, perspective, and a safe space to express your feelings.

 

5. **Focus on positive relationships:** Invest time and energy in nurturing positive relationships that bring joy, fulfillment, and support into your life. Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you, and prioritize those relationships over toxic ones.

 

6. **Practice self-reflection:** Take time to reflect on your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in response to toxic individuals. Identify any patterns in how you react to toxic behavior and consider healthier ways to respond.

 

7. **Know when to walk away:** Ultimately, if a relationship with a toxic person becomes too detrimental to your well-being and mental health, it's okay to walk away. Recognize your limits and prioritize your own needs above trying to maintain tolerance in a toxic environment.

 

Remember that practicing tolerance does not mean tolerating harmful behavior or sacrificing your own well-being. It's important to find a balance that allows you to navigate relationships with toxic individuals while also prioritizing your own mental health and self-care needs."

 

In my view, toxic people have a perfect right to be as disagreeable as they like as long as they bear the burden of responsibility for their actions. However, their rights end when they begin to interfere with other's rights to happiness. When I am adversely affected by another's behavior, I no longer need to tolerate it. I need to respond.

Responding to Toxic People

This leads me to the next question I asked the chatbot, "How does love respond to toxic people?"

 

From AI Chat Bot

“Responding to toxic people with love and understanding can be challenging but can help diffuse the situation. Here are some loving responses you can consider:

 

1. Setting boundaries: Gently but firmly let the person know that certain behaviors or comments are not acceptable to you.

2. Communicate calmly: Respond in a calm and composed manner, avoiding defensive or aggressive reactions.

3. Practice empathy: Try to understand where the toxic person is coming from and show compassion for their struggles.

4. Focus on the positive: Redirect the conversation towards more positive and constructive topics.

5. Take care of yourself: Remember to prioritize your own well-being and mental health, and don't hesitate to remove yourself from toxic situations if necessary.

6. Encourage self-reflection: Encourage the toxic person to reflect on their behavior and its impact on themselves and others.

7. Offer support: If the toxic individual is open to it, offer your support and assistance in finding healthier ways to cope with their issues.

 

Remember that it's important to protect yourself and prioritize your own emotional well-being when dealing with toxic individuals. If the toxicity continues despite your efforts, it may be necessary to seek help or distance yourself from the person for your own well-being.”

 

Love places the needs of others first when that need exceeds our own. But this is not an all-or-nothing proposition. Love does not require we disregard our legitimate needs; they must be acknowledged in any response. The ideas described by the chatbot search do an excellent job of striking this balance. Love affirms the toxic person's unhappiness and offers a reflective mirror of responses to help them see their toxicity. To do any less would be to passively encourage and support their unhappiness.   But, this does not cause us to lose ourselves in their toxicity. We must keep our own self-care in the formula.

 

This led me to ask the chatbot, "Does love require that we change the toxic behavior of others?”

 

From AI Chat Bot

“While it is natural to want to help those we love overcome their toxic behaviors, it's important to recognize that we cannot force someone to change if they are not ready or willing to do so. It is not the responsibility of an individual to single-handedly change another person's toxic behavior.

 

Instead of trying to change someone else, it may be more beneficial to focus on setting healthy boundaries, communicating your needs and concerns, and encouraging them to seek help if necessary. Ultimately, an individual must take responsibility for their own actions and choices, and it is not solely the responsibility of their loved ones to change them.

 

Remember to prioritize your well-being and mental health in any situation involving toxic behavior, and seek support from loved ones or professionals if needed. It's essential to take care of yourself first before attempting to help someone else change their toxic behavior.”

Protection from Toxic People

This led me to ask the chatbot what I could do to protect myself from their toxic behavior.

 

From AI Chat Bot

“Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with toxic people. Here are some tips on how to set boundaries with toxic individuals:

 

1. Clearly define your boundaries: Identify what behaviors are unacceptable to you and communicate them clearly to the toxic person.

 

2. Be assertive: Stand your ground and assertively communicate your boundaries without being aggressive or defensive.

 

3. Limit your contact: If possible, reduce your interactions with the toxic individual to minimize the negative impact on your mental and emotional well-being.

 

4. Practice self-care: Nurture yourself by practicing self-care activities and seeking support from loved ones to maintain your mental and emotional resilience.

 

5. Seek professional help: If dealing with a particularly toxic individual is too challenging, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor for guidance on how to navigate the situation effectively.”

 

I then asked the chatbot, "Can I love toxic people?”

From AI Chat Bot

“Love can encompass a range of emotions and behaviors, and it is possible to feel love for someone even if they exhibit toxic behavior. However, it is essential to recognize that loving someone does not mean tolerating or enabling their toxic behavior. It is crucial to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being when dealing with toxic individuals, even if you still care for them.

 

In some cases, if the toxicity is detrimental to your mental and emotional health, you may need to reassess the dynamics of the relationship and consider limiting contact or seeking professional help to navigate the situation effectively. It is essential to prioritize your well-being and mental health when dealing with toxic individuals, even if you still have love for them. Remember that taking care of yourself is essential in any type of relationship.”

 

I have noticed that many social settings and groups encourage toxic behavior. These groups look like families in the framework described by Family Systems Theory. They can include biological families, clubs, religious congregations, businesses, school faculties, and any other set of relationships that have grown into a cohesive unit that serves the needs of the dominant individuals. These groups serve as places to learn and refine one's toxic behaviors.

 

From AI Chat Bot

“A toxic family structure can manifest in various ways and can have negative impacts on the well-being of family members. Some signs of a toxic family structure may include:

 

1. Lack of healthy communication: Communication is key in any family, but in a toxic family structure, communication may be negative, hurtful, or dysfunctional. There may be constant conflicts, misunderstandings, or avoidance of important discussions.

 

2. Emotional manipulation: Toxic family members may use emotional manipulation tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to control others and get their way.

 

3. Lack of boundaries: In a toxic family structure, boundaries may be poorly defined or disregarded. Family members may intrude on each other's personal space, privacy, or independence without respect for individual boundaries.

 

4. Control and power dynamics: Toxic family structures may involve power struggles, favoritism, or roles that limit individual expression and autonomy. Control and manipulation tactics may be used to maintain a hierarchy within the family.

 

5. Abuse: Emotional, verbal, physical, or other forms of abuse may be present in a toxic family structure. Abuse can have devastating effects on family members and can perpetuate a cycle of dysfunction and trauma.

 

6. Dysfunctional patterns: Toxic family structures often have recurring patterns of dysfunction, conflict, or unhealthy behaviors that are repeated over time. These patterns can contribute to ongoing stress, tension, and instability within the family.

 

It's important to recognize the signs of a toxic family structure and take steps to address and address these issues. Seeking support from a therapist, counselor, or support group can be helpful in navigating and coping with a toxic family dynamic. Setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking ways to improve communication and relationships within the family can also be beneficial in fostering a healthier family environment.”

 

Then, I asked the chatbot a question that had been sitting underneath all the others. "When do I ‘give up’ on a toxic person or relationship?”

 

From AI Chat Bot

“Deciding when to give up on a toxic person can be a difficult and personal decision. Here are some signs that may indicate it's time to let go of a toxic relationship or set boundaries to protect yourself:

 

1. **Repeated negative behavior:** If the person consistently engages in harmful, manipulative, or destructive behavior towards you despite your efforts to address the issue.

 

2. **Your well-being is compromised:** If the relationship is taking a toll on your mental or emotional health, causing you stress, anxiety, or affecting your self-esteem.

 

3. **Lack of respect for boundaries:** If the person repeatedly crosses your boundaries, disregards your feelings, or fails to respect your needs and limits.

 

4. **Unwillingness to change:** If the person is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions, seek help, or make meaningful efforts to address the toxic behavior.

 

5. **You feel drained or unhappy:** If the relationship leaves you feeling drained, unhappy, or emotionally exhausted, and you find yourself making excuses for the person's behavior.

 

6. **Continued cycles of abuse or manipulation:** If the person engages in patterns of abuse, manipulation, or gaslighting that are harmful to you and prevent you from feeling safe and valued in the relationship.

 

It's important to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being when dealing with toxic individuals. This may involve limiting contact with the person, seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist, or making the difficult decision to end the relationship if necessary for your mental and emotional health. Remember that it is okay to prioritize your own well-being and to seek help in managing difficult or toxic relationships.”

 

Finally, I asked the chatbot to help me understand how I could deal with toxic online behavior.

 

From AI Chat Bot

“Dealing with toxic people online can be challenging, but there are ways to minimize their impact on you and maintain your own well-being:

 

1. **Set boundaries:** Establish clear boundaries for yourself on how you interact with the toxic person online. This can include limiting your exposure to their negative comments or content, blocking or unfollowing them if necessary.

 

2. **Don't engage:** Avoid engaging in arguments or trying to reason with toxic individuals online. It's often better to ignore their behavior rather than fueling the fire.

 

3. **Seek support:** Reach out to friends, family, or online communities for support when dealing with toxic individuals. It's important to have a safe space to express your feelings and get perspective on the situation.

 

4. **Practice self-care:** Take care of your mental and emotional well-being by engaging in activities that help you relax and de-stress. This can include exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time with loved ones.

 

5. **Report or block:** If the toxic behavior violates the platform's guidelines, consider reporting it to the platform administrators. You can also utilize privacy settings to block or restrict the toxic individual from interacting with you.

 

6. **Focus on positive interactions:** Surround yourself with positive content, accounts, and people online to balance out the negativity from toxic individuals. Engage with content that uplifts and inspires you.

 

Remember that you have the power to control your online experience and protect yourself from toxic behavior. Don't hesitate to prioritize your mental health and well-being by taking the necessary steps to minimize the impact of toxic individuals in your online interactions.”

 

Here are a few more questions for you to consider in your journey with the toxic people in your life.

 

Questions for Further Thought:

How can I protect myself from toxic relationships while still loving them?

 

What would that love look like?

 

How do I respect their autonomy?

 

List some of the more toxic people in your life. What boundaries should you establish for each of them?

 

Can I shield my sense of self-worth from the toxicity of others?

 

Do I need help in dealing with this toxicity?